A Day in the life of The Useless: The Attraction


My loyal, beer soaked sheep, I have yet another juicy story for you all to indulge in. So dack your panties, and spread those assholes wide, cause I’m bout to drop some knowledge on y’all.

For years now, people (mainly women) have been up in arms about “Appearance” becoming more and more important in modern society. In particular Women’s Appearance. 

You all know what I’m talking about; big breasted blonde bimbo with a toothpick body and an ass like gold. Yeah, that’s the one.

For a long time now, Women have been complaining that they have to live up to these “near impossible” standards to please men, and it is damaging to their self esteem, and often drives women to a state of depression over their body image.

Well I am here to turn the tables on you cynics.

Take the gorgeous Channing Tautum for instance, or Zac Efron. Yes, I said gorgeous, fucking sue me.

These two god like beings are idealised by the female, and homo sexual population as “The hottest of the hot”. But are they an accurate portrayal of the Male Species. 

Did you say No?

Well you’re correct, you win nothing.

Enjoy it.

Now, how is it fair that Women complain about living up to the standards of Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie when Men live under the exact same conditions. 

If a women doesn’t have Double D tits or a paper thin body, she’s not good enough.

The same goes for men: if he doesn’t have a six pack and massive bicepts, he’s revolting. 

And honestly I am sick to death of hearing women complaining about “How Hard it is”, when they put men under the same amount of pressure. 

Sure, men are a lot more tolerant that women, and the majority shrug it off. But what about those men who don’t? Those men who struggle with self esteem issues about their body image and what not? I’m not saying for a second I am one of these guys, I am sexy and I know it (copyright pending), but the fact still remains that women complain about the EXACT same thing they are doing to men.

My message for you women, if you’re going to complain to me, near me, or on the same planet as me about the strain on your body image to please men, you better be prepared to fuck a fat ache ridden, garlic breathed, 30 year old geek who lives with his mum still. Otherwise, I may kick you hard in the ovaries until you explode all over my shoes.

Head my advice, and open your fucking eyes. Stop complaining and start doing something about it. When you become comfortable with your body image, so will everyone else.


Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to offend anyone. Nor is it intended to infer peoples opinions on the world. If you believe the above blog is in reference to you, you are sorely mistaken. All events and words of people who matter have been changed. 


The Useless says…

Good Day my Sheep,
Yes it is that time again for me to back yet another triumphant return to Tumblr, raining down upon thee my orgasm inducing wisdom and my pants tightening word play.

There isn’t a doubt in my mind that you, my minions, have missed me dearly, and honestly wish I could say it was mutual.

So stay tuned over the next few days for a few more blogs. I really hope to get this site up and running full time again, and with your help we can do so.

Don’t forget to share our page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Useless-Blogs/200718346635316


Useless Info…

Try and say that, it’s really fun.

Well my sheep, I have decided to jump the hoop I told myself I would never do!
So Ladies, for your enjoyment…

Here is 100 different names for the Male Genitalia.

  1. Penis
  2. Member
  3. Knob
  4. The Anaconda
  5. Package
  6. Tool
  7. Alabama Black Snake
  8. Pole
  9. Wiener
  10.  Unit
  11. One Eyed Monster
  12. Shaft
  13. Banana
  14. "it"
  15. Chub
  16. Schlong
  17. The Little Engine that Could
  18. Worm
  19. Trouser Snake
  20. Winkie
  21. Dipstick
  22. 'thing'
  23. Pecker
  24. Turtle Head
  25. Pork Sword
  26. Rod
  27. Captain Winky
  28. Cock
  29. Johnson
  30. Beef Snake
  31. Bum Tickler
  32. Doodle
  33. Sticky Pickle
  34. Dong
  35. Noodle
  36. Wood
  37. Wang
  38. Dork
  39. Middle Leg
  40. Staff
  41. Long Dong Silver
  42. Ding-A-Ling
  43. Ding-Dong
  44. 100% All Beef Thermometer 
  45. Meat Popsicle
  46. Magic Wand
  47. 'D-Train'
  48. Sausage
  49. Club
  50. Love Muscle
  51. Baby Arm
  52. Magic Mushroom Tip
  53. Little Soldier
  54. Main Vein
  55. Weenie
  56. Baby Maker
  57. Third Leg
  58. Power Drill
  59. Tonsil Tickler
  60. Peter
  61. Bat
  62. Trouser Pony
  63. Joystick
  64. Skin Flute
  65. The ‘D’
  66. Tally Wacker
  67. Mr. Happy
  68. Bald Headed Yogurt Slinger
  69. Little Chubby
  70. Needle
  71. Richard and the Twins
  72. Pencil
  73. Twig
  74. Little Major
  75. Flesh Trombone
  76. Baloney Pony
  77. Tube Steak
  78. Schmeckel
  79. Helmet
  80. Prick
  81. Russell the Love Muscle
  82. Bone Phone
  83. Hot Dog
  84. Pocket Rocket
  85. Serpent
  86. Spurt Reynolds
  87. Sweet Meat
  88. Tent Pole
  89. Manhood
  90. Pink Cigar 
  91. Organ
  92. Todger
  93. Pecker
  94. Piece
  95. Salami
  96. Cornholer
  97. Beef Bayonet 
  98. Jack Hammer
  99. One Eyed Willy

aaaaaaaaaannnnndddddd 100. Dick

that was not fun at all.

Useless Ideas…

I Wonder…

If I were to engage in a diet that consisted only of blocks of chocolate, would I be able to piss that waterfall on 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', Cause I have a strong feeling that’s what they did for that part of the movie…

Useless Ideas…

If for the next 9 months or so my entire diet was replaced with bird seed would I be able to lay an egg? Or would I need to incorporate some exercise regiment including pecking around in the dirt for a while? Or do I need to grow wings?

Cause I will. 

A Day in the life of The Useless: The Account

Holy Fuck!
Is The Useless posting a blog?
Me thinks so horny piglet monger, now pay attention.

Yes I am back, unfortunately for you thick headed necrophiliacs who are bored enough to read this dribble on occasion or just skim over my randomly placed BOLD or curvy writing (yes I know it’s Italics, but you’re stupid and you don’t know it so shut up).

The reason for my numerous months absent from this awful job is due to my life being not that bad at all. Insert cheesy smile here…
moving on…

Yes my life hasn’t been that eventful or cursed since my last few blogs. No Eloise, No Joanna, No Soccer Mums or School; it has been quite the delightful time for me. I spent a month abroad in the glorious United States of America, soaking in the endless waves of pollution, restaurants, terrorist threats and fatty boom bahs like a big ol suck from a cigarette. Oh yum indeed.

Aside from that my life has been the usual teenage Australian boy’s life. Cod, Alcohol and Women. Minus the Women. No, I’m not Gay, suck my dick.

Unless you’re a Girl. 
Girls are gross.

But the sudden reappearance of me, myself and The Useless is due to a sudden boredom that I have been enduring over the past few weeks or so due to an illness I have caught. Yeah, it’s contagious, give us a kiss.

In addition to this boredom I have the constant frustration that my ‘z’ key is broken on my laptop, causing me to yell loudly anytime I try to spell amazing or booze. Yes I have sneaky ways of finding the letter ‘z’ on my keyboard, but I will not share with you my training in the national ninjas academy for gifted ninjas.

So as usual I’m getting off track, so I may as well flop my big fat ass back on my verbal train to nowhere and continue with this blog’s topic.
What is this blog’s topic?


fuck off

I will not disclose to anyone the location of the nation ninjas academy for gifted ninjas under any circumstances.

Find it yourself fuck nugget.


The Useless Says…

 Yes my Sheep, I have returned from the US of gAY to the lovely, less polluted and more exciting Australian Landscape.

While my time in America was fine, new and interesting, I can whole heartedly say I am very glad to have friends again.

Now, it has been some time since my last blog and that’s cause I was too busy doing stuff to talk to you people; and yes yes, I know I promised a VLOG but I realised that the effort it would take me to do it was not worth it since you stupid twat burglars don’t get me more readers.

So go now my sheep!
Spread the word of the Useless!

Ta for Now <3 

The Randomness that is The Useless #5

So here’s the thing,

It REALLY pisses me off when people just don’t reply to texts cause they don’t feel like it.

Honestly, how long does it take you text? Do you need to enter each letter in Morse Code? Or have to write it all out in brail? Does your brain think in Chinese and you have to spend 20 hours translating it into English?


Then why the fuck can you not spare 15-20 fucking seconds, sometimes less, to fucking reply? Even if it’s just “Sorry Busy, TTYL”

That took me 2 seconds to write.

Seriously, not that hard.

Even if you don’t want to talk to someone. "Don’t wanna talk to you right now."

Didn’t take forever to do.


And don’t use this “No Credit” Bullshit. 

Especially 20 minutes after you said “bought some new credit today”.


rant over

A Day in the life of The Useless: The Boredom

The reason I haven’t been as vocal as of late on my Tumblr is due to the fact that nothing has pushed me to the point to ramble carelessly on for over a thousand words. Eloise has been vacant from my life for a few weeks now and Joanna is merely a skid mark on my memories, so I haven’t really had all that many conflicts with people.

So instead of starting an argument with someone just for the pure fact that nothing excites me currently, I figured I might have a bit of a rant about something I love dearly.

'What might that be Useless?'

Well if you let me finish then maybe you could figure that out. You fag nut.

Okay, so those who know me intimately and even through The Useless Blogs would know that I have a deep love for many things. Coffee, Red Bull, Bourbon, Driving, Xbox and many other things. But there are only two things that can top the list. I have already had a bit of a babble about the Number One, that being my Family, so I guess you could figure out what Number Two is.

Any takers?

You’re all a bunch of idiots, I swear to god.

Anyway, no it isn’t my Religious Beliefs or my deep affectionate love for my Tits, it is mes amis.

Yeah, I speak French… not really but… yeah Google Translator does.

So, my Friends are Number 2 importance behind mine Family.

If you are familiar with my blogs at all, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn this, due to it being a very central topic of most of my blogs.

So, I haven’t really planned this all that well, so if it sounds very messy and all over the shop, bare with me, because it’s not going to get any better. I am not writing this to entertain you, I am writing it cause I am awesome and my view points should be heard by all those who can read… which kinda defeats the purpose of me saying heard… hmm..

Fucking English Language.

We’re going to have a good old fashion list off of some of the major qualities I believe a Good/Great/Grand Friend possesses.

Before I do venture into my realm of utter random quirky awesomeness, I must stress that these are things you cannot learn, but they are things that come naturally with friendship. If you don’t have these things in a friendship, by all means, try and work it out, I am not a counsellor, so I can’t vouch for my opinions being correct… wait… it’s the internet, I can do that.

Everything I write is logical, correct and makes complete and utter sense.

First off, and pretty major, you have to have a general like for the person.
Now, I am not one to usually vocalise the obvious, but this one is pretty important, so for you Justin Beiber fans out there, I think it is necessary to expand on this further, because you obviously are vacant in the head.

If you don’t like a person, you generally will not get a long with them. I don’t remember the last time I saw two people who despised each other and then baked some smiley faced cookies cause they felt like it. It just doesn’t gel. I have had my own fair share of friendships where I came to realise either I didn’t like the person, or they didn’t like me, and therefor had to end it, and I know it seems kind of far fetched to try and comprehend that somehow you can be friends with someone without actually liking them, but there is a level of pity and other things involved in that, which I will not venture into at the moment due to it’s obviousness being painful enough to me that if you don’t understand me, you will spontaneously combust and the world would shine a little brighter.

Hey, a fella can dream.

Second, and definitely one of the most important, you have to have trust. Some people may think that this is only mandatory with Relationships, but in a Friendship, Trust is definitely very important. If you don’t trust your friend, then there is obviously something drastically wrong. Say they did something that makes you cringe. For example, they have a history of stealing their friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend, and you worry they might do it to you. Then you two are obviously not good friends either way. Them, for stealing your partner, and you for mistrusting them.  Yes, Yes, don’t cut my head off and use it as a flesh light, I know the person who stole the partner is in the wrong, BUT I CAN’T THINK OF ANY OTHER EXAMPLES. So back the fuck off before I bust a cap in yo ass.

Yeah, I can do that.

Thirdly, I believe you should have some common interest. It isn’t as vital as other aspects of friendship, but it is important in a sense that if you want to have a conversation with your friend that perhaps you should have a topic? Say your friend is a racing nut, and you have a fear of fast speeds, then maybe you have to find some other common ground to communicate on? Maybe not, like I said if you are both amazing friends but like the exact opposite, I am not discouraging you as friends, if you can make a friendship work with different interests then I applaud you.

Cause I probably can’t.

Fourthly, I think that Sacrifice is a big part of friendship. Not like a goat or something, that’s a bit strange… I have never had to cut the head off a chicken and stick it up my dick hole to maintain a healthy friendship, and if you do then I think you have a lot more problems than who your friends are. Anyway, I’m talking about time and other sorts. To maintain a healthy friendship, you need to work on it. Great Friendships aren’t built over night, they take anywhere from Months to Years. My best friend and I have known each other for over 11 years, and I can whole heartedly say that I trust him with my life. We have spent days on end with each other, day and night. The time we have spent has built the foundation of our friendship. We are never out of things to talk about, not because we have similar interests, which we do, but because of our history together we can always reminisce about old times, etc. So I think that this is pretty important to a friendship.

On a side note, best friend of mine, if you are reading this, I love you. <3

Fifthly…. that’s a strange word… Fifthly… I can’t pronounce it. Herpa Derp… 
Anyway, Fifthly, a good history helps. I have had my fair share of black marks across various friendships, and they do not help at all. 
Say for example, the one I used before. Your friend steals your girlfriend/boyfriend. After a while it is forgotten, and a few years/months later an argument ensues over something unrelated. Normally, that history will be brought up in this argument. Most people who reference this friends past mistakes to further escalate another, and that I think goes without saying. If you don’t have a very darkened history with a friend, then that argument may not last as long, or being as damaging to your friendship. However, this particular point is very odd because sometimes the blackened history doesn’t affect the friendship too drastically. I’m sure you can guess that over 11 years my best friend and I have had a few speed bumps. Mostly wrong on my behalf I will admit. But even through all that we remain best friends, and I think that is a true testament to our friendship, and if your friendship is much the same, well done. You have a friend for life.

Well maybe not for life, its just an expression.

Lastly… well not lastly, it’s just the last point I can be bothered to list. You need Tolerance. If you do not have similar interests, or the time spent together to know every little thing about one another, then Tolerance is vital.
For Example,
Friend A: “Do you want my Pickle? I don’t like them.”

Friend B does not like Pickles, how should he respond?

Friend B: “Fuck you!” -throws burger at Friend A- “You know I don’t like Pickles!”

Yeah, no, I didn’t think so either.
Perhaps this is a bit of a light hearted example, but it fits in pretty much any scenario. If your friend doesn’t know you dislike something, it doesn’t kill them to just say calmly “Nah mate, I don’t each Pickles, they’re as delicious as Rebecca Black’s singing.”

Should I wrap it all up in a neat and tidy bow?

Nah, fuck ya.

Disclaimer: This blog was not written to sway or persuade anyones choices or treatment towards their friends. This was written to convey my particular opinions, and I accept no responsibility for any friendships created or destroyed as a result of things I have written. You have read this at your own risk. Again, I did not write this as an attempt to change anyones friendships, the choices you make are your own. On a lighter note, I am in the market for a White Unicorn who shits rainbows, if you know of anyone looking to sell their call me on 1800 Useless.